Can a girl just have Jesus?

Inhaling the winter warmth today, the rain falls upon freshly dropped snow and its slushy, slippy and messy.
Its like my spiritual life right now.  This new blog was to be raw and honest about my walk with Christ and I feel as though its starting off in a dark dark place.
Since just before Christmas my relationship with God has gotten into a dark dark place.
The things I have read into, read too much into, read not enough into has been awful.

Note it is okay to question things.  I think questioning is good.  But it has to be healthy. Which is why I blog it because I'm at a place I think that for the first time this isn't just some "fall crisis" this is a "this is too much"
I feel as though my faith is not gone, but somehow been twisted into something I have no idea what is anymore.

Can a girl just have Jesus?
I feel as though my beautiful resting in His peace has slipped into a place it should not be.

Where I have read and read and read about many different approaches to Jesus...

Where I have read and read and read about different ways to approach the Bible...

Where I have read and read and read about different groups of Christians attacking other groups of Christians.

I dont want to keep calling out to God when He says He is within me.  Why do I feel like He is so distant when He is inside me?

I am His temple.

I feel as though Christ has skipped town.

All this peace He promised, His peace He left behind.  I never feel it for more than a while then I fall back into anger and hatred. I watch more people who claim Christ be not filled with peace... what's the deal with us?

Do I need to really have a feeling He is here?  Have I left it all on emotion

The other night during worship, after a day of listening to thinks um..not so Christian... I had an experience. Where I lost control of my body.  My hands cramped and I had a tingling sensation over my face and it felt like something crawling on my nose.  I was like paralised in my seat.  No one else around me experienced this.  Just me.  I kept singing to Jesus.  I thought maybe it was something supernatural... but the more I think about it, why would God take over a person's body like that where I had no control.  Gods power is loving.  This wasn't loving.  This was strange.  This isn't some collected pentecost moment... this was chaos in my body.   I didn't feel peace.  Could have been anything, but God?  Could have been just some physical exhausted mom thing too...

But I just feel like why am I searching for what I already am said to have?
He is supposed to be closer than my own skin.
Does Jesus even promise that?  Not Paul, Jesus.  I'm at a point where I don't want to hear anyone else's voice but His.
I haven't been reading nearly enough Scripture, because I'm not even sure weather to take it literal anymore.

I'm in a bad place.  I feel like I'm in a very bad place.

I just want Jesus.

All I want is Jesus.

And I feel good when I inhale this somewhat spring air, as to me it smells like hope...

I will come out the other end...but what does it look like?